A welcome fall
I live with a dog. Well, more like a wolf with snarling teeth. But most of the time I can convince myself that you are beautiful. I open my heart to you; I welcome you in; I push and pull and tug till you can resist no more and then I have you here, inside my heart, and the beat of your heart against mine is glory on a downcast day, is the sudden lifting of my spirits, of my whole body, is the wings that make me fly. I can even sustain the illusion long enough to trick my own heart into falling in love, and I fall and fall; I jump for my life; I am at last rescued by this falling feeling, until I land and my whole world comes crashing down on top of me. Your snarling lips part and I see those sharp teeth whose presence I knew of all along. I only have myself to blame, I know, I know, but I could not help it; it was do or die; if I did not leap, I would have withered and died, or taken a leap in the other direction, to oblivion, glorious oblivion. But I chose you. And now my misery is complete. I have exchanged one kind of pain for another, but with this pain, at least I am still alive. And I am now driven by my hatred for you. We hate with a passion. We tare one another apart like two rabid dogs fighting to the death. But at least we are both alive. We are both alive.
21 January 2010